I'm Never Helpless If There's a Frying Pan Within My Reach: You've Been Warned

Let's talk kitchen weaponry tonight, shall we? Sounds good to me after the day I had at work.   After much research, in both film and literature, I've settled on my defense of choice-- The Frying Pan.  Before we jump headlong into the reasons why I think this is genius, allow me to share with you the wise words of Cranky Agnes, via the pen of Jennifer Crusie--

Agnes and the Hitman by Jennifer Crusie and Bob Mayer

Cranky Agnes Column #1

“Pan Hunting”Do not be seduced by those big-box come-ons, full of “complete sets” of extraneous cookware. A complete set is whatever you need, and maybe all you need is a wok and a hot place to grill your bacon. In a pinch, I can do it all with my good heavy nonstick frying pan. Besides the obvious braising, browning, and frying, I can make sauces and stir-fries in it, toast cheese sandwiches and slivered almonds, use the underside to pound cutlets, and in a pinch probably swing it to defend my honor. If I could find a man that versatile and dependable, I’d marry him.

 No truer words have been printed, my friends--except maybe "Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker".

In the last few years, I've noticed a good amount of frying pans being wielded with intent to injure or at least deter an attacker.  Not that this is anything new, really.  Movies have been using this gag for a long time.  A simple search produced the following movies that used a sturdy skillet to protect and serve.

"I will use this.

1. Kill Bill
2. Tangled
3. Throw Mama From The Train
4. Raiders of the Lost Arc
5. Drop Dead Fred
6. Who Framed Roger Rabbit?
7. Fried Green Tomatoes
8. Hancock
9. Lord of The Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring
10. any number of Tom & Jerry cartoons...

Now, I'm not saying to solve any and all disputes you have with a cast-iron skillet.  No, that could cause death or a plate in the head of whomever you've just brained.  And let's face it--jail time is what you're trying to avert here, is it not?

Jessica Rabbit: Not bad, just drawn that way.

To use Agnes Crandall, my favorite fictitious, angry food columnist as an example. Here's a quick summation of Agnes; she's hit no less than 4 men in her life with a frying pan--2 cheating fiances (neither of which die, but one does have a metal plate in his head), 1 dog-napper (who dies when he falls into her unknown basement), and one hitman (who ironically turns out to be the good guy).  And after all this assault, battery and self-defense, what was her punishment? Only one conviction after fiance #2 got bopped (court appointed therapy and community service).  I'm thinking this is the smartest self-defense tool out there.  

Yes, there is the sheer comedic factor too. The movie-esque sound effect that we all conjure up in our minds which we think about actually doing this.  

Tangled it the perfect example.  Not only is it giggle-worthy when Rapunzel cracks Flynn Ryder in the head, but there are few things that make me laugh out loud like when she brains herself during her "Too weak to handle myself out there, Mother? Tell that to my frying pan!" moment in the mirror.

Part of my fascination with this, might just be the creativity aspect. I mean, anyone can snatch up a knife in the kitchen, but who the hell wants to stab someone? I'm not Jack The Ripper. I don't think I could ever stab anyone.  Let's face it...a. it's messy. Who the hell wants to clean that up? b. I can barely get a straw into a juice box without hurting myself. c. I don't think I'd do well in jail.  

So in summation-- If you're at home and you have an attacker situation; my advice is to grab your trusty frying pan and swing for the fences.  And if you're asking yourself, "What's the best pan to use?"  Here are some parting words from Anthony Bourdain--who knows a thing or two about frying pans--and possibly battery.

"Let me stress that again: heavyweight. A thin-bottomed saucepan is useless for anything.  (...) A proper saute pan should cause serious head injury if brought down hard against someone's skull. If you have any doubts about which will dent—the victim's head or your pan—then throw that pan right in the trash."   — Anthony Bourdain, Kitchen Confidential

Any questions? Fire away in the comments.  I'm off to make sure my kitchen is properly armed.

"Frying Pans! Who knew, right?" --Flynn Ryder